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Our Journal
TodayThis is just a test!!
TodayHi this is just a test. Will post an entry at a later date
TodayWell, I really dont know where to start. It has been almost a whole year since I've have typed anything in our journal. I really should be ashamed of myself.SOOOO much has happened in a year! The first and most important thing that happened was we had a beautiful, healthy little boy on February 3rd of this year. His name is Keaton Alexander Scott. He weighed in at 9lbs and 5 oz. Beleive me when I say I look at him every day and think OH MY GOD! I cant beleive he is actually here with us, but we also wish that his big brother could be here with us as well. That will never change! So many changes that happened with in 2 years, Physical and definitely emotional. I just really want some people to ,at least try, to understand that when a Mother loses her baby reguardless of age, she will never forget or "GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON" with life the way "NORMAL" people usually do. People that think that, shouldnt say anything at all if they have never experienced such a tramatic loss in their life, and the worst is losing your own! Keaton will be 4 months old on the 3rd of June and is getting bigger by the day. He now weighs 16lbs,12oz. He rolls over,stands on is legs, and moves his arms above his head.It totally amazes me when I watch the stuff he does. People must wonder why I get so excited over the little stuff but its the little stuff that we take for granted. He is just so innocent, the only thing is knows right now is love. It makes me really sad to think that there are going to be people in his life that will be there for him one day but gone the next! I cant explain it myself let alone trying to explain it to a child. But I guess I will cross that bridge when we get to it, considering he is only 4 months old. My friends, Krista and Janne,had a beautiful,healthy, little angel, lindsay regan! She is beautiful!!We cant wait to meet her some day! The opening of the playground up at the school is coming up soon! My heart just skips a beat just thinking about it! I am really excited that the kids are getting a new one but as with everything that pertains to children, I wish Bretton was around to play on it with them. If people dont want to hear that "WELL TOOO BAD"! Anyway I will try to keep you posted on Keatons progress, which Iam sure will be every day or second day! Thanks for everything everyone has done for us!We truly appreciate it and it will never be forgotten!!! Hugs... Jisele, Condon and BABY KEATON xoxox
TodayWell, it has been a month since I have typed anything. Need all the prayers I can! Our buds in Ontario, Krista and Janne went through another round of PGD/IVF and now they are just waiting to see if the inplant took or not.Out of 3 embryos, 2 were affected with SMA and one wasnt.Which means that there was only one to transfere. Hopefully it took this time. I really dont know how much more they can take. It is sooooo emotionally draining. All we want is healthy Babies, is that tooo much to ask? Aparently it is! Fathers Day is fastly approaching.UGHHHHH! I am sure we will get through it. I wonder if our luck is ever going to change. That black cloud never seems to want to go away!!!
TodayI made it through another Mothers Day! Boy, was I ever wrong!I really thought this one was going to be different, as in easier..Ya right! I have to say that out of Christmas,birthdays, etc..Mothers and Fathers Day are the hardest and I really just dont like them! They suck big time. Yes,I really thought that maybe just maybe it would get easier to wake up and not want to scream at the world but it didnt. Even if we do have more babies those days are still not going to be the same EVER! I cant even call or take my own Mom out to diner or buy her flowers,so its kind of a double whammy for me.Plus it is a very awkward day for everyone!..do ya say Happy Mothers Day cause really its not..do you just ignore it, or just not say anything at all? I think what pisses me off the most is I really, really thought I would of felt different Sunday morning and I didnt..it was like going through the first all over again. I just get so panicky cause I know there is nothing I can do to change it...Next is Fathers Day...GREAT!! What do I say? or do??? Condon is very good at keeping busy..Iam not cause My mind is always going..wondering...should I, what if I did this or said that..oh i just dont know...Ill figure something out!
TodayToday is Baby Jacobs funeral..OH how hard is this day going to be for Ange, Alyssa, and her family!! I know all too well what its like to bury your baby.You just want to scream at the world..unfortunately you never get over that feeling. It will always be with you nomatter what you do. I get so friggin angry!! No one should have to bury their baby! Anyway!Please say some prayers for her and her family, shes going to need them!! If you want to go into Jacobs site. Go into Brettons friends on this site, and click on Jacob.
TodayWell, I have horrible news. Jacob lost his fight with SMA and earned his wings on Saturday the 19th of Feb. I really dont know what to say, even though we were in the same position a year and a half ago. My heart just breaks for her and alyssa,as i just want to take all the pain away for them. Jacob was the strongest little boy I ever knew. I never did get to meet him in person, only through the webcam but let me tell you just by looking at him through the computer there was just something about him that made you fall head over heels.Anyone that ever came in contact with him,his mom or his sister,whether through emails, his website etc. should call themselves very blessed! So please, say a prayer for them, they could use them at this difficult time. Not only now but down the road as well,as the days will only get harder before they start getting easier. Believe me I know!! They will not get any easier but you learn how to put one foot in front of the other day by day! Jacob was one remarkable little boy who has a Mom that is just as remarkable as him. I know Jacob is up there in heaven right now telling everyone all about the most wonderful woman in the world, that did everything in her power for her little baby bear.There is only one word that describes a lady like that and that is called a "MOM"!
TodayWell today is Feb 12th all ready. Today would be my brothers 47th birthday,but he will be celebrating it with my mom,dad and Bretton. Sometimes I think that the time is just going by way to fast or maybe its because I would so much like to turn back time.Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have the "perfect"family.Which to me, would be having Mom, Dad, Johnnie here with us and have Bretton here with Condon and I so we could live a "normal" life and not having to deal with all the decisions that we have to make from here on in. But that is just not going to happen! The faster time slips by the more I want a little one of our own. Iam getting very impatient,it seems like all we do is wait,wait, and wait.There are days when I would cut off my right arm to get up for 3am feedings and all the stuff you do with and for a baby. Someday that will happen again,not sure when but some day!! There are some people out there that really and truly dont know how lucky they got it!! As far as now, we are still trying to make decisions which is very hard on the head but that is part of our life now and we cant change it. I will try to keep you as posted as I can. Please for anyone that goes into this site, please sign the guestbook, I would appreciate it. Thanks a bunch!!
TodaySorry mixed up on my dates! Its Tuesday February 1st.Jamies first yr anniversary!! Sorry!!
TodayHi, well tomorrow is Jamies first year anniversary since her Mom and Dad lost her to that damn disease SMA.We know all to well on the emotions that come with tomorrow!All you seem to do is look at the clock and remember hour on hour what you did that dreadful day.Jamies Mom and Dad mean the world to both of us because we have just soooo much in common and they are just plain terrific people, so anyone reading this please say some prayers hoping that they get through tomorrow the best way they can!Tomorrow is not going to be an easy day,but they have to try to remember they all ready did the hard part! The decision to let her go and now she is finally disease free playing up there with her boyfriend Bretton which I know as they get older he will protect her with every ounce of his being. Anyway I just had to put that in my journal cause Krista and Janne have become special people to us and we only wish them well,happiness and we think of them often.
TodayWell, it certainly has been a while since I have posted anything. We made it through another Christmas, not very easy but we made it. I really dont think it is going to get any easier! It just doesnt feel that way anyway. It is just not the same anymore. Some people just dont know how lucky they have it! Even though it has been Sixteen months since Bretton was taken from us, it still some days feels like yesterday. I just want that depressing feeling to go away when ever some says they are pregnant or they know of some one that is cause that feeling is the worse feeling ever because I want to be happy for them and I truly am, but the majority of me wants to be in that persons shoes but I know I cant. It really sucks cause it is an emotion that I just cant turn off whenever I want to. Whether it is with someone I know or even total strangers! Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and Happy New Year. Hopefully this year will be better than the last two!!
TodayWell its almost that time again! CHRISTMAS!! People keep telling us that it will get easier as years go on..to be honest with you I am having a hard time believing it..This will only be our second Christmas without our precious little one and it doesnt get any easier! We try to put on the brave face when we hear people talking about what they are getting their kids for Christmas and we know that we cant stop them..but deep down it hurts so much because there is nothing in the world that we would want more than to have the chance to go shopping for him,show him all the lights,and just spend Christmas with our baby! The worse of it all we cant do a thing about it!!! Just pray that we will be able to get through another year like we did last year and hope that people dont take for granted the things that they have cause once they are gone you cannot replace them! The only thing you have left is MEMORIES!! Whoever reads this I truly hope you all have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!! and please give your kids a kiss and tell them that you love them!!
TodayIt's been awhile since I've posted anything. We have been doing ok, I guess. I got a new job so that will take some of my thinking time away, which is good cause the walls were starting to close in on me. My blood presure is finally down to normal again, which I think the job thing has someting to do with it.Everyone is having babies around me, which is GREAT,sometimes hard to deal with but great all the same. I just have to remind myself that I cant stop people from having families of their own just because we can't right away. It just seems that people take so much for granted, and Iam sure there are some things I still take for granted but when I see parents not taking the time to spend with their kids whether it is going to a movie,making a snowman, decorating a christmas tree, or just plain cuddling or even just taking the time to teach them right from wrong! It makes me really angry and sad because we would give our right arm to do all that stuff again. Every day I wonder how tall would Bretton be right now, how many teeth does he have?,is he getting into mischief?,is he running,talking,laughing? ALL the questions that parents can answer right now and never have to wonder about cause they have their kids with them! Hopefully some day again, I will be able to answer those questions too!!
TodayHi, Well yesterday was Brettons 2nd Birthday! Hard to beleive! It is sooo hard to have birthdays come and go with out the hussle and bussle of getting presents, invitations, balloons and celebrating with friends and family.We got through his 1st Birthday, now the 2nd. They say that it gets easier after the 1st..well I am going to have to disagree. It doesnt!I dont know if it ever will.I try to think that Bretton is in a safe place (with my MOM,DAD,and my BROTHER) but sometimes that is really hard to do because the only place I want Bretton is here in his Mommys arms. Its also hard when your friends babies move on from one mild stone to another and thats all I ever wanted was to have a healthy baby to love,watch grow up,and be a Mom to and to have all that taken away from us! Hopefully some day we will have that again, wont be the same but we will have it again!!
TodayToday wasnt a very good day for me! No reason just feeling down in the dumps! It seems like every time I take a step ahead, I always end up taking 5 back. I miss Bretton so much that there are times when I just dont know how to go on! I try to keep my chin up and think that I will be a Mom again but thats really hard to do some days.I know that there are people out there that have lost their babies as well as us and they are going through the same amount of pain and heartache but I just want to feel like myself again which I know will never happen! I can pretend all I want to be happy and pleasant for everyone, but the truth of matter is I am drowning inside and I really dont know how to fix it, or if it is fixable?? Some days I do feel like Iam a "normal" human being that can go on but let me tell you there are days when I just dont think I can. Condon trys to make me understand that there are some things in my life that I cannot control and that there are things in my life now that I can control but sometimes that is really hard to do when you want something so bad that every inch of your being aches inside! I dont talk about Bretton as much as I use to to my friends anymore because there are times when it just feels awkward and if I feel awkward, I can just imagine how they feel.So I just keep it inside or write it down! I know its not good to keep things inside but it's not the same talking with a friend about what my baby that did a little over a year ago(especially since he's gone) and a friends baby that did the same thing last week. As much as I try to keep Brettons spirit alive, I know that there are people out there that are just tired of hearing about what Bretton use to do and how he use to do it. I told Condon today, I wish there was a button I could push that would bring us back and erase all the horrible stuff that has happened to us in the past year and especially SMA! Because if it wasnt for that DAMN DISEASE we wouldnt of had to go through any of this.
TodayOh My God! Who ever reads this site, please say tons of prayers for baby Jacob. He is not doing so well! Him and his mom, Ange are at sick kids in Toronto and the doctors say that he is almost in a coma. They were starting ivs and they put a catheder in today! Man that little man is such a fighter but he needs all the prayers that he and his family can get during this awful time. Damn That Disease..SMA!!
TodayWell, I dont even know where to begin!!It has been a long, hard road the past few weeks for Condon and I. We flew to Toronto to have the pgd/ivf done for the 17th of September.BY the way, I dont like flying! Everything was going great, Toronto even thought that everything was going good. Did the transfere at 1pm on the 17th. They implanted 3 out of the 7 eggs that fertilized cause the 4 of the 7 were SMA affected. That totally shocked all of us cause that is more than half. But Toronto said that our eggs were of great quality and one of the three should implant! Well, that wasnt the case! None of them implanted so we went through all of that for nothing. Which sucks totally!!Now we dont know what we are going to do! These are our options, one, we adopt which we already are registered for,go through pgd again,praying it works the second time, then we can go with a sperm donor and have a baby that is half ours, or have a baby naturally and get tested at 11 weeks gestation to see if that baby is SMA affected and if it is we can terminate the pregnancy. SO that is the delima we are in at this moment. Of course, the week we found out that it did not work was the week of Brettons first anniversary.MAN,I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE! I really dont like making decisions let alone decisions as hard as the ones we had to make within the past year. No matter what goes through my head there is always one question that will lay with me forever and that is "HOW COME WE CANT HAVE A BABY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?" Some people tend to think it is just that easy..go and make a baby well I wish it was that easy..I wish someone would just come by and tell us what to do and that everything is going to be fine. Yes, I might only be 31 but I would like to have a baby by the time I am 33 which is only a year and a bit.People that have healthy kids have all the time in the world. They just grow old with them..but some of us just arent that lucky!
TodaySorry its been while since I have updated but our computer blew up on me so I am waiting to get it fixed. I am on my sisters computer now but once I get mine back it I will update everyone on what has happened to us during the past couple of weeks. Man, alot has happened!
TodayToday is going to be a very hard and long day for all of us.It is hard to believe that a year ago today we lost our precious little one. Who would of ever known that a perfect little baby could be taken away from two people that would of treated him like a prince.I just dont understand and I guess I never will. There is not a moment that goes by that I wish he was back in our arms, watching Bear in the big blue house or just watching him sleep.He was the joy of our lives and will never be replaced.I miss him and long for his soft skin against mine,and someday it will! I tell him that everyday, his mommy and daddy will see him again soon. But fornow he is safe in Gods hands, and his nanny and poppy will make sure he is well looked after.
TodayHi, well we are back from Halifax, talk about a quick trip! Everything went fine, the monitoring and blood work looks great. But we have to be back in Halifax again for Wednesday morning. All this travelling is exhausting, and Iam not even driving.I wish they had monitoring in Sydney, but I guess thats asking alot for down this way.Heaven forbide! It just makes me so MAD! We have to travel 4 and a half hours one way,all for a half hours work. Anyway, Iam still on the puregon and suprefact, then we are off the ground and on our way to the big TO on Sunday. I couldnt get Krista and Janne off my mind today cause its Jamies 1st Birthday, who is celebrating with all the other angels up in heaven today. DAMN SMA!!! I'll will keep you posted as I can.
TodayJust wanted to let everyone know that Laura Stants from SMA Angels created the site for us in Memory of Bretton. She did an amazing job. I just told her what I wanted and she took it from there. What an AMAZING lady. She too had lost not one but two babies with SMA. Her babies are named Devon and Sidney Stants for those who would like to go in an read her story, under smaangels.com. But have some Kleenex. Thanks Again Laura.
TodayToday is the 6th anniversary of my Mom. Mom I love you! I think about you everyday,knowing you are watching over me as always.I also know that you are looking after your grandson, Bretton as you would have done if you both were here with us on earth. I know he is well looked after,and I have no worries.Try not to spoil him too much!!Bretton, you be a good boy for you nanny,poppy and uncle johnny!I love you and Until we meet again! xoxox
TodayLately, I ve been feeling kind of down.Not really sure if its because I know that Brettons first anniversary is coming up or just that Iam really scared that the IVF/PGD is not going to work. Probably both! I get like this everytime there is a mildstone that is about to arrive,it seems! They say that the firsts are the hardest but I know that every one of them is going to be hard reguardless of how long Brettons been gone. Brettons site hasnt been up for very long but I want to take the opportunity to thank alot of people that have been there for us during the past year,please bear with me! First,I would like to thank Laura Stants for making this possible for me to do this! Now to Brettons daddy, Condon, for being there as his father, and also helping,and talking sense into me when I didnt think I could go on for one more day.Bretton was extremely lucky to have a Daddy like you and I know I am very lucky to have a husband that is so loving and caring. To both of our families, there are not enough words to describe how we feel about you guys! You were there since the day we found out we were expecting.To my sister,Julie, thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening your home to us and for helping us move into our home.There is not enough time to begin to say how much we love you! To my other sister, Linda, thank you for being there for us as well, Bretton thought the world of his auntie lala and uncle Edward,as do we!There are soo many people that touched Brettons life in such a short time. I would also like to thank a very special little girl in Brettons life, Sarah,for keeping him busy and entertained for his Mommy.Love you a WHOLE bunch,pumpkinhead!! To Donna, Even though you could not make it home for anything always know that Bretton loved you very much and I know he is with you every day.To Condons family, Brettons nannie and grampie, you were and are the best grandparents any child could ever have!To Brettons Auntie Heather, Uncle David, Kramer, and Alicia, Thank you so much for everything! Alicia, Bretton thought and will always think the world of you.I can still see his eyes light up as soon as you would walk into the room.You are a very special person in our lives as is your brother.Iam sure that when we have a brother/sister for Bretton you will be just as special to them as you were to him.To everyone who helped us move into our new home,brought food,called, travelled from far and away,thank you!It wouldnt of been possible if it wasnt for...well..you all know who you are! There are just too many to mention! Like I always said, "There are people out there walking around with wings on their backs and they dont even know it!" You are all angels.Bretton was a very lucky man to have gotten to know and meet you. It is hard to believe that in a few weeks it will be a year all ready.To David,D.J, the paramedics, Dr Salim, and to everyone that tried to bring Bretton back to us, THANK YOU!We knew deep down that there was nothing anyone could do,God made up his mind, but you didnt give up hope,and thats all that we could of asked. Somedays it only seems like yesterday and others it feels like eternity! The emotions a person feels is very unexplainable.As hard as it is to do,people have to try to realize that when a person loses a peice of them, such as a child, that person is not the same person, a peice of everything goes with that child such as your heart, mind and emotions. There are some things that I do or say and I dont even know why or have any reasons as to why I do them, as I know Condon will agree to that!Anyway, THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of our hearts!! Everything everyone has done will ALWAYS be treasured,remembered and appreciated!! We love you all!
TodayHi, well we are back from having our monitoring and bloodwork done in Halifax. We had to be in Halifax for the 30th of August. Everything went great! My ultrasound look good and my estrodial level was 127.5. Yaahoo!! We can now move forward with the puregon shots.I feel like a human pin cushion, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end! Everything seems to be going as planned this time round! Thank God! It is very hard on the head. After the transplants, we have to wait 10 to 14 days to find out if we are expecting or not, and if we wait 10 days it will be on Brettons first anniversary! How strange is that! But I don't think we will find out then cause that day is going to hard as it is for us let alone if we find out we are not expecting so we are going to wait the extra couple of days.I will keep you posted on whats happenin!!
TodayIts been awhile since I have posted anything! I miss Bretton so much there are days when I feel like I cant even breathe.As the days go by, you think that the pain gets easier but it really doesn't. Some days are bearable and others are not!You do feel like you are the only one in the world that has lost a baby.. but deep down you know you're not.The worst feeling in the world has to be wanting your baby back so bad that it almost makes you sick to your stomach just so you can touch him, cuddle with him or just watch him sleep in your arms but you know that that can't happen!!People ask or tell me all the time "I dont know how you do it!"Believe me its not something that I want to do,trying to move on with life without that special angel to take care of but I dont have a choice in the matter. I still have to go on with my day as hard as that is to do sometimes!
TodayWell I finally got my computer working again!I went camping this weekend with my sister and my niece. It was soo relaxing which was so nice for a change! We are now on our 2nd cycle,thank god! I started the pills Monday so I have to call Toronto tomorrow to let them know,they will tell me when I have to stop them and start the suprefact again and then tell us when to be in Halifax for more monitoring. Then hopefully we will be able to go to Toronto.Who ever goes into this site could you please say some prayers for a very special friend, Ange and her baby Jacob.Thanks! I will try to post more often than I do. Take care Jisele
TodayWell, First I would like to thank Laura for doing and helping me with this site for me. I really appreciate it! This is my first journal entry and I am sooo excited! Bretton was a huge part of our lives and I wanted to share him and hopefully make some people understand that life can be way to short! Anyway, to all of you that visit I hope you enjoy and please feel free to sign the guestbook. It really means a lot!
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